Before I start, I want to make it perfectly clear that this is my philosophical journey into the the ultimate meaning of objects in our lives - and beyond our lives into meaningfulness of the multiverse as we image that it exists. In no way represents that I'm a lazy fucker who seeks to minimise washing up wherever possible.
Knife
A good tool - very useful for buttering toast. But let's be honest, it's pretty limited. You can cut stuff, but that's about it, and even then you need another piece of cutlery. The food is cut, but then remains as lonely as David Mellor in a taxi rank on your plate. Even if you risk doing that stabby thing of using a knife to get food to you mouth, as well as probably breaking the plate, you're still going to miss out on your meal's delicious sauces.
Overall score: 4 / 10
Fish slice
It's a knife. Just a fucking knife. For posh people. Understand this, and get over it you pretentious wanker. Or, perhaps I've misunderstood, and it's a knife for fish. Well, fish don't have hands, so they'll never be able to use it. Get over it, and move on. And never put one on my table.
Overall score: 0 / 10
Fork
Clearly better than a knife in that a fork facilitates the movement of food from the plate to the mouth. It does so in truly spectacular fashion - not only does a fork do the stabby thing better that a knife, it also does the twirly thing with noodles and spaghetti - something of which a knife has no comprehension. A well designed fork can also do the buttering toast thing. It will take a little more time than a knife, but the extra versatility of the fork makes the effort worthwhile. Sadly the fork, like the knife, falls down in one crucial function - the sauces will still not be transferred from plate to mouth.
Overall score: 6.5 / 10
Spoon
Now we're getting to the business side of things. Unlike the knives and forks discussed above, a spoon has the ability to get all the food - including sauces - from your plate to you mouth. Within the cutlery family, it is almost unique in this regard. Let's face it, in the following though experiment, which would you choose?
You are starving. You can only eat using either a knife, a fork, or a spoon. You will receive one of three meals ...
a) Lentil soup.
b) Steak with Hollandaise sauce.
c) Spaghetti Bolognese.
Be honest - you're going to go for the spoon. It might be a bit messy, but the spoon is going to win every time.
Yeah, it's not perfect. You're gonna have problems with the last two - the knife is good at cutty, the fork is good at stabby. It's hard to cut steak with a spoon, but possible. It's hard to twirl spaghetti with a spoon, but possible to get it from the plate to your mouth. But it's impossible to do both of these with a knife or fork alone. This is because the spoon, alone, is good at scoopy.
It's also very easy to butter toast with a spoon. If you don't already know this, then you're way better at washing up than me.
Overall score: 8 / 10
Chopsticks
You can basically fuck right off with these. I don't want to come over all UKIP (believe - that was harder sentence for me to write than for you to read), but chopsticks have no place in our society. It's a Good Thing® to recognise and respect cultures that are different to my own. But there do need to be limits. And, as far as I'm concerned, cutlery that is neither cutty, stabby, or scoopy, is a step too far.
Overall score: 1 / 10
In conclusion ...
My deep searching philosophical enquiries have led me to believe that, if we are to live in a sustainable and harmonious world, as we must surely do, we need to make some decisions about cutlery. a reliance on knives clearly won't do. The fork option would be better, but won't really cut the mustard. We could get by with spoons. But surely we should aspire to more?
Ladies & gentlemen, boys & girls - I bring you the saviour of human civilisation. The spork ...
Overall score: 11 / 10
