I'm going to the pub, reluctantly

As a middle aged man, I find the world is different from when I were a lad. Sometimes for the worse - I still miss the Corona Man. Sometimes for the better - I can now publish this blog and billions of people can read it. Obviously I'll be lucky if only one does, and that includes me.
Pie & mash

However, I accept that changes happens. And that change should be embraced whenever possible. But, in Ukip style (yikes!), there is one change with which I will not put up. Gastro pubs can fuck right off. Before I start on gastro pubs, let me tell you what a proper pub menu should be like.

First, the menu. This must be in a hard backed plastic 'easy wipe' folder with plain paper slotted in. Despite the easy wipe nature of the menu, it must be stained. The font should be Times New Roman. Now onto the contents of the menu ...

Proper pub grub should have two pies - beef & onion and steak & kidney. These should be served with chips, peas and gravy. There should be bangers & mash. AWwith peas and gravy. There should be fish & chips. Which will come with peas and tartar sauce. If you're in a posh place, there will be steak & chips. Which will come with peas and tartar. For both previous dishes, the tartar sauce must be in a little plastic sachet. Tomato ketchup, salt, and vinegar will be provided with all meals. And that it is. That is all you will be offered. And you cannot mixed and match - you cannot have fish & mash, because it's not on the menu. You can ask what the fish it, but the bar staff will look at you blankly. Pudding will be apple pie with custard or ice cream - because never let it be said you're not offered choice.

Now, gastro pubs. The menu will be made of parchment and contain at least three script type fonts. The only exception to this is that, in the case of extreme wankiness, the menu may be hand burnt onto a piece of wood. You may also notice that every word on the menu starts with a capital letter. This is because, unlike pub grub that names food, gastro pubs are describing A Meal That Is An Artistic Masterpiece. Tossers. Just being given a menu in a gastro pub gets my hackles up. But that's only the start - I haven't even read the menu yet ...

First thing to notice is that the menu will begin with entrées or appetizers. Starters, as I call them, are there for one reason and one reason alone. The main meal, whilst very expensive, will not fill you up. The starter is there purely to make you think you are not paying as much for a hearty meal as you are. And now let's have a look at the content of the menu (hold me), some examples ...

  • Slow Braised Herefordshire Beef Ragoût & Papardelle Pasta, Shaved Parmesan & Garlic Ciabatta
  • Cornish Lamb Sirloins on the Bone, Ratatouille, Pomme Anna & Mint Dressing
  • Locally Sourced Pork Sausages Served with a Rich, Red Wine, Onion Gravy, Crispy Onion Rings and a choice of Creamy Mash or Triple Cooked Chips

I have to stop there at triple cooked chips. I cannot take it any more. This is not a pub menu. I don't even know what half the things are. Please stop it gasto pubs. You are ruining this country's great traditions.

Now, I hear you cry (If you've read this far - I know I haven't), if you don't like gastro pubs, just don't go to them. And I hear you. but gastro pubs are starting to infect every part of pub life. In a highly pernicious way. Yes, dear reader, I am talking about crisps.

Back in the day, you could be sat in a pub supping a lovely ale and think "Umm, I'm a bit peckish." And, in this situation, crisps are your friend. But now it's getting harder and harder to buy proper crisps. I'm talking salt & vinegar, cheese & onion, and smoky bacon. These bastions of British tradition are being replaced with gastro crisps. I suspect you know what I mean. I just want bog standard salt & vinegar. But no. The only thing available is Anglesey Sea Salt & Somerset Cyder. So, I'll have cheese & onion. But no. The only thing available is Orkney Scottish Island Cheddar & Shallot. OK, I'll have smoky bacon. But no. The only thing available is Cumberland Pulled Pork.

We must stand together and stop this madness. Gastro pubs must die.