The day I became a killer

View from Torridon - a place we both loved

"FUCK" John shouted.

It was enough to rouse me from my sleep on the back seat.

Next thing I knew I was out of the car screaming at the top of my voice "Bonnie, get out now! Get the fuck out. Now. Bonnie, now!"

A man put his arm on my shoulder. I turned to punch him. He was quicker than me and ducked. Then pinned my arms to my side.

"Mate, you're bleeding" he said. "Let me take you to the bar and sort you out."

I looked down, and saw blood dripping on the floor. "No bother, just a nose bleed" I said.

"Fine" he replied. "We can sort that out at the bar." and put his arms firmly around my shoulders, steering me into the building a short distance away. I remember feeling the heat when the car caught fire as we walked passed it.

Later I was to realise I had a cut to my forehead needing 14 stitches, fractured 5 ribs, and the impact of the car crash had pushed my teeth through my cheek to the point I could close my mouth and breathe through my cheek. That was another 22 stitches. My nose was unharmed.

I remember little of what happened next until being in a hospital ward. And then being wheeled into intensive care unit. Where my mum was next to me on a bed. I didn't realise it at the time, though she was blue and wheezing. She turned, looked at me, and said "my poor sweet baby".

"I'm fine, mum" I replied. And those where the last words I ever spoke to her. I will always regret not saying such simple words as "I love you" or "You are the everything". But I didn't. She was my mum and she'd always be there, right?

Wrong. She died a couple of hours later.

Months later the coroners report was released. She died from severe chest compression caused by seatbelt injuries. This is why she was blue and wheezing - couldn't get enough air into her lungs.

The coroners report didn't say as much, though I knew why this was. I was in the back seat behind her. Not wearing a seatbelt. When our car hit the other one in a head on head collision I was propelled forward. The left side of my head hit the car upright, the right side hit the headrest pushing my teeth through my cheek. And my whole body force hit the back of my mums seat, moving it forward and crushing her chest against the seat belt.

I killed her. I killed the most precious think I have ever known.

I have to live with this for the rest of my life.

Never got round to saying it, but love you mum. Always in my heart.

  • The photo is Torridon. This whole incident happened in the Scottish highlands - a place me and my mum both loved.

UPDATE: I've added some context to this story in my next post, called Who the hell is Bonnie?